As if You Have a Choice
by Latanya Kassidy
Summary: This is a bit of angsty MM fluff. Michael sacrifices himself for his friends' happiness. one-shot, songfic


Disclaimer: I don't own Roswell, it's characters, blah blah blah. I don't own Snow Patrol or their lyrics for "Run" either, but it is a really good song.

Author's Note: Hey, this is my first fanfic, so feel free to tell me how much it sucks, lol. I'm having a bit of a formatting problem with the lyrics so they'll be changing randomly from single to double-space. If anyone knows how to fix this, please let me know. This isn't my usual style, but I heard the song and I just had to write a fic with it. I hope you enjoy it. Please review! Thanks!  L.K.__

_I'll sing it one last time for you  
Then we really have to go  
You've been the only thing that's right  
In all I've done_

Michael looked into her eyes and saw nothing but love. He resisted the urge to smirk. It would figure that he had to do something like this to get Maria's attention again. The plans were finalized. It didn't matter that Michael was having second thoughts. He knew this was right. They deserved to visit their families, even if it was just for a week. They couldn't do that if the place was swarming with feds, so Michael had volunteered to provide a distraction. It had taken him hours to convince everyone, but now they were all agreed. They would drop him off at the train station so he could head to New York. When he got there he was to cause a disturbance of intergalactic proportions that would surely show up on the FBI's radar.

In the mean time his friends would be heading to Roswell to spend some time with their families while the feds were otherwise occupied. He knew that they were worried for him, but they couldn't give up the chance to see their families. He wouldn't let them. He had been denied the loving family spiel and it hurt him more than he'd like to admit. His friends had been blessed with great families. He would do anything to let his friends see their families again. He'd do it even if it meant sacrificing himself.

Maria seemed to recognize that, even respect it. He didn't regret the time he spent with her. True, she had broken his heart, but she had also stood by him when he really needed her. Of course, he had never asked her to be there. Often times he did his best to drive her away. Yet, she always remained by his side. He could honestly say that Maria was the best thing that ever came into his crappy life. And that was including Max and Isabel.

_And I can barely look at you  
But every single time I do  
I know we'll make it anywhere  
Away from here_

As Michael looked into Maria's eyes, his fear and uncertainty melted away. He found the strength that he needed in those beautiful, loving eyes. He was doing this for Maria. She had been so depressed and homesick lately. After all, it had been just over a year since they had abandoned their lives in Roswell. He knew that she missed her mother terribly. He had to do this for her. He had to make her happy again. He knew that he could do anything if he saw her smile just one more time.

As if reading his mind, Maria gave him a shaky smile. It wasn't exactly what he Michael had been hoping for. He was craving a good old-fashioned Maria grin. He missed her smiles. She just wasn't the same anymore. She was merely a shadow of the spunky pixie that he had fallen in love with. Michael hoped that this visit would help her. The determination on her face made him smile. They were both very stubborn. They were stubborn and passionate which was why they were so perfect for each other. He knew that they would make it through this. They had to.

_Light up, light up  
As if you have a choice  
Even if you cannot hear my voice  
I'll be right beside you dear_

Michael thought that he could stand there looking into Maria's eyes forever. He knew that they had to get going. He had to get to the station before the train left, but he couldn't seem to look away. He saw a sudden sadness and fear slip into Maria's eyes. The determined strength had disappeared from her eyes, leaving her looking drained and afraid. He could feel his own confidence drain away as he watched her. He wanted to comfort her. He wanted to promise that things would be all right and they would see each other in a week or two. He couldn't do that though. He couldn't bring himself to lie to her, even if it was what she wanted to hear.

Michael truly did not know if he would make it through this. In fact, he was almost certain that he would be caught. They were hoping that the dense population of New York City would make it difficult for the FBI to locate him. Somehow, Michael thought they were asking a bit much. Then again, he had always been a very pessimistic person. It didn't matter though. Michael would see this through, no matter what. He didn't have a choice, really. This was something that had to be done. The unity of the group depended on it.

Isabel had been crying nearly every day. Maria was becoming increasingly withdrawn, while Kyle became volatile. Liz was her usual quiet self, as was Max, yet Michael could see the sadness and longing in their eyes. They were all drifting apart, losing the bond that once held them so tightly together. Michael couldn't let that happen. Their very survival depended on their unity. He had said as much when arguing his case. "You know I'll always love you, right?" Michael asked, out of the blue. He blushed slightly at the random question. He wasn't used to discussing his feelings. He wasn't a Hallmark boyfriend, but he felt that this had to be said. He wanted to make his feelings for Maria very clear, just incase he never saw her again. He watched Maria's reaction closely. She seemed startled but slowly nodded. Michael sighed, and decided he might as well finish what he had started. "No matter what happens with all of this, I'll always love you. I'll always watch over you."__

"What is that supposed to mean?" Maria's eyes widened slightly. She seemed to register all that he was implying. She immediately started one of her rants. "You aren't going to die, Michael! Don't you even think it! We are all going to make it through this! I can't lose you!"

_Louder, Louder_

_And we'll run for our lives_

_I can hardly speak I understand_

_Why you can't raise your voice to say_

Michael just watched her, as she seemed to realize what she had said. Maria blushed and looked away from him. He wished she wouldn't do that. He wanted to see her eyes again. He wanted to see what emotions were currently shining in them. Under normal circumstances he would have been ecstatic to hear Maria say that. Of course under normal circumstances she wouldn't have to say them. Now, however, they just added to the pain that he felt. She was finally opening up to him again. She had just admitted that she cared for him, which meant he still had a shot with her. Yet, chances were he wouldn't live long enough to take that shot.

Michael opened his mouth to respond to her, but nothing came out. He was so overwhelmed by his emotions that he wasn't even sure what to think. One thought was clear though. He had to know if she loved him. Surely, he would be able to make it through this if he knew she loved him. Even if he were captured, that love would give him strength.

"Maria…do you love me?" Michael asked hesitantly. His voice was a choked whisper that shook with anticipation. The second the words passed his lips, he wished he could take them back. He didn't know what he would do if she said no. That just might kill him. He felt so vulnerable and Michael hated feeling vulnerable.

He heard a choked sound and looked up to see a tear slide down Maria's cheek. She had a hand over her mouth as she held back another sob. All she could manage was another slow nod. As she did so the floodgate opened wide. Tears began to pour down her face as her body was wracked with sobs. Michael reached out for her and she fell into his arms, clutching onto his shirt as though she would never let him go.

_To think I might not see those eyes  
Makes it so hard not to cry  
And as we say our long goodbye  
I nearly do_

Michael found himself holding back tears as well. He couldn't cry. He was Stonewall Guerin, for crying out loud! He had to be strong for her. He had to be strong for all of them. If they saw his fear and doubt they might call the whole thing off. He couldn't let them do that. Yet, just the thought of never seeing Maria again broke his heart. The thought of never seeing those beautiful eyes was unbearable. He just hoped that the Feds killed him quickly, because he would not be able to stand years of imprisonment and torture without Maria to help him through it.

It was time to go. He could hear Max's soft voice telling them that they had to head to the train station. Maria and the rest of the group were going to stay at the dingy roadside diner while Max and Isabel dropped Michael off. They wanted a moment alone with their brother. He supposed they wanted to say their goodbyes with out anyone watching. Max knew that he'd never see Michael again. It was in his eyes, so easy to read. Yet, Max did not stop him. He knew how important this was to Michael. He knew how important it was to everyone, and he couldn't bring himself to prevent a certain tragedy. Isabel looked hopeful. Michael knew that she would remain hopeful until they received news that the plan had gone horribly wrong.

Michael felt Isabel's delicate hand touch his shoulder. He knew she was saying something but he couldn't quite concentrate on the words. His mind was in chaos. He saw Liz trying to gently remove Maria from his arms, but she just held him tighter. He couldn't push her away, even though he knew it was necessary. Just when he thought he might miss the train, Maria pulled back to look up at him. Her eyes were red rimmed and shining with tears. They were overflowing with love, yet he could still see hints of fear.

Michael opened his mouth to say something to alleviate that fear, but she simply shook her head. Maria placed her hand on the back of his neck to pull him down into a gentle, yet passionate, kiss. He could taste the salty tears on her lips. Maria was pouring all of her emotion into the kiss, hoping to tell Michael how she felt through her actions. She couldn't get the words out, so the kiss would have to do.

Michael pulled back gently to look into Maria's eyes once more. He was searching them, memorizing them, and it seemed that she was doing the same thing. They stood there for an eternity simply staring into each other's eyes. Michael almost laughed. He'd always thought that Max and Liz were the "gaze into my eyes" soul mates. Of course he was much closer to crying than laughing. He idly wondered if Maria noticed the tears shining in his eyes. Probably. Maria noticed everything.__

_Light up, light up_

_As if you have a choice_

_Even if you cannot hear my voice_

_I'll be right beside you dear_

_Louder, louder_

_And we'll run for our lives_

_I can hardly speak I understand_

_Why you can't raise your voice to say_

Michael wanted to stay in that moment forever. He couldn't seem to look away. Her eyes were so intense. They were telling him all of the things she would never be able to say. He had to keep reminding himself that this was necessary. He wanted so desperately to stay there with her, but that would be selfish. He would always be with her. He had promised her that. Michael had been telling the truth. He knew that not even death could keep him from his Maria.

Things would be so much different, so much simpler, if he were human. They wouldn't have to keep running from the FBI. Yet, if he were human, he and Maria would have never met. He probably wouldn't have met Max and Izzy either. Yes, things would definitely be different, but not necessarily better. He wouldn't give up his friends for the whole universe. He liked things the way they were. Excluding the whole, running for their lives business.

He knew the others were waiting for him. He had to go. He had a train to catch. He opened his mouth, trying desperately to speak. To say something, anything that would let her know just how he felt. He could see the understanding in her eyes. He didn't have to say anything. Maria already knew.

She whispered a soft "goodbye" and turned to walk away from him. Michael stood there, frozen, staring after her. He couldn't bring himself to say the word. It would be too final.

_Slower, slower  
We don't have time for that  
All I want is to find an easier way  
To get out of our little heads  
  
Have heart my dear  
We're bound to be afraid  
Even if it's just for a few days  
Making up for all this mess_

Michael only broke out of his reverie when he felt Max's hand on his shoulder. He was being steered towards the van. He turned to look over his shoulder and saw Maria watching him. I have to go He kept reminding himself. I don't have time Yet, the more he looked at her the harder it was to walk away. He wished he could just take all of this pain away. He wanted to relax and stop running. He wanted to stop the swirling chaos that was taking over his mind.

Before he knew it, Michael had turned to walk back to Maria. She was in his arms before he could blink. He clutched her tightly to his chest, relishing the warmth of her body. He knew that this could very well be the last time he ever held her. The mere thought made him want to break down, but he couldn't.

"It's ok, " he murmured. "I'll only be gone for a week. You'll be with your mom, you won't even miss me."

"I will!" Maria merely sobbed harder at Michael's attempts to calm her. "I'll miss you so much, Michael. Please don't do this. I can't lose you."

"I have to do this. You guys deserve to see your families again, Maria. It may not make up for everything you've gone through, but it'll make things better. I promise." Michael whispered the words into Maria's ear as he stroked her back soothingly. He was not used to comforting people, so he was slightly awkward. Yet, he had gotten better in the years since he met Maria. If this had happened a few years ago, he would not have been holding her at all. It was progress at least.

"I'm so scared, Michael. I'm so afraid for you." Maria lifted her head from Michael's shoulder to study his face. He couldn't lie to her. Not when she looked like that.

"I'm afraid, too, Maria. I don't know what will happen, but I do know that I love you." He watched her face closely to see her reaction to his words.

"Just be careful." She whispered. Her eyes now showed nothing but love. It was nearly overwhelming. "I love you."

_Light up, light up_

_As if you have a choice_

_Even if you cannot hear my voice_

_I'll be right beside you dear_

Max had to pry the couple apart again. Michael was led solemnly to the van ignoring Max's words of comfort. He knew he was doing the right thing. It wasn't a choice, it just…was. He gazed through the window of the van and saw Maria standing with Liz and Kyle. He reminded himself that he would always be with her. He had promised. And Michael never broke a promise.


End file.
